Sharing my words with the world. Here are some of my favorite pieces I’ve written. Follow me on instagram for art or updates.
Sunlight that ate away the shade. 3/15/20 I have felt growth within myself. The clouds parted their ways, revealing the sun that shines so bright in my eyes. Instead of shielding myself from the sun, trying to hide in the darkness of the shade, I embrace it, allowing myself to feel its warmth. I swallowed the sun, gradually, until I could feel the light eating away the gloom. There was a time where I hated the sun. I felt angry that it would present itself when I felt like I was drowning. All I wanted was grey; endless grey skies and dark clouds to mask my feelings. I wanted those clouds to swallow me whole so that I could become blank. Now, I’ve found that I deserve the sun and all the happiness it shares. I’ve climbed up the mountain with the weights of the world, and now, I can climb back down with the sun blossoming on my back, weight free.
Up in the heavens. 2/21/18 Up in the heavens, I hope you are free. Feeling the clouds slip through your fingertips as you try to grasp onto that feeling of feeling something, anything remotely peaceful. You move through the motions, everything unfamiliar in this new place, feeling the ethereal rays of the sun’s warmth bathe you in the clouds. This is how I envision your world to be like now; a warm, comforting blanket of positivity that wraps around you and squeezes you kindly. Up in the heavens, I hope you feel an everlasting peace wash over you. A peace so wonderful and pure you feel at ease with yourself and your past life. Free. Free to fly, free to smile without the harrowing pain you felt, free to laugh and explore and experience the world in ways you couldn’t before. And with this new power, the strength you’ve gained back, you can view the lives of those who were once a part of yours. You can see what you were never told, you can see the shambles that have tied us down; the distant half of the family that never spoke much. Up in the heavens, I hope there is acceptance. Acceptance for my lack of communication during your years on earth, for the ghosts that were left in our place during your hardest moments. We were battling a war so big, so uncontrollable and endless that we were bound to our roots in fear. We were stuck, still trapped in the haze of our past. I feel stuck now, overridden with the heartache of not communicating with you enough. You are engraved in my thoughts, forever a light in my mind and someone who I wish I would’ve known better. Now, as you float with the sky and paint the clouds with the colors of your emotion, I hope you are given the opportunity to paint a story, your story. A story filled with shades of happiness and tranquility. The good, the bad, the in between; all the storms that are birthed through rage and the calm ocean that gently breezes across the shore and the light rain that whispers across the universe in your moments of sadness. The sunset, painted with heliotrope hues that will last in our minds as a beautiful moment in time, will represent the person you were and will always be. Up in the heavens I know you are free.
No more feelings. 2016 The rain of month one. Your fingers intertwine with mine, and despite their warmth, I feel nothing but the winter’s unforgiving, gelid air. Shivers race down my spine as our fingers touch but I ignore the foreign, ghostly feeling building in my gut. You smile and your smile brightens my world. It’s as if the clouds part their way, revealing the beauty of the endless azure sky above us. The sound of your laugh brings me joy, but I still feel that ghostly hollowness nagging at me from inside. I tell you. You dismiss it. We move on. It doesn’t seem to matter that much because the feeling of making you happy is far greater than what seems to you as my false feelings of loneliness. Being around you is a thrill of amazing moments. You are the rain, beautiful and complicated, dangerous and gentle. My heart floods with emotions of warmth and awe, of desolation and frustration, of happiness. The storm of month six. I am confused. The light, airy clouds have changed, becoming heavy and dull. The sky is gone and above us the vast grayness reappears. A dangerous storm is brewing between us, I can sense the ending near. Your laugh fades away and in its place is silence. This silence kills me. It coils around my body like a venomous snake until I can’t breathe anymore. I’m at a loss of words, of what to do. I’m desperately gasping for air and you can see me drowning as the storm floods my lungs but you just watch silently. You choose to ignore your problems, to ignore mine and keep your distance. It’s like you think of me as an infection, something that’s bringing you down. Except it has nothing to do with me. I am not an infection. You are. My kindness and open heart somehow weren’t enough. You’ve been changing for a while now. It took me six months to see it, six months to learn what your true colors are. I cared too much. I tried too hard. I’ve worried enough. You are no longer beautiful, just complicated and cruel. The haze of month seven. My mind is a haze of you, you’ve flooded my mind and all my thoughts. Your kindness, your warm voice, the rush I felt when I’d see you… When you actually cared, when you were a different person. Now I look into your crystal blue eyes and all I can find is a stygian storm waiting to patiently strike. That spark of life inside you is gone. You act distant around me yet your eyes tell a different story, one I can’t read anymore. It seems as if you’ve hidden away in your own shell and blocked out the rest of the world… Or maybe just me. The haze in my mind fades as you give me another one-word response. At last, I know what needs to be done. With a deep breath of relief and mixed feelings of dread, things are over. The tornado of month eight. I feel numb, everything is different now. We were doomed to be over from the start but I became attached to you so fast. Now that you’re gone, I’m better, but it still hurts knowing we went from knowing each other so well to being strangers overnight. The clock continues to tick, tick, tick away, the sun continues to rise and the world is still buzzing around me. My life is not over, it’s just beginning. While I’m alone, I wonder if you think of me, if you’re struggling with this sudden change as much as I am. Tears constantly burn in my eyes when I think about you, about us, and I absolutely hate it. I feel a raging fire starting in my veins. Embers of fury spark a catastrophe in my mind, clouding my judgement in a smoky haze. I’ve become a tornado, ready for destruction, ready to tear anything in my path to shreds. I allow this destruction to consume me as I blame myself for his actions. I am broken and relieved, forlorn and buoyant. The radian scarlet embers die abruptly, fading from my mind as I see a picture of her, the girl who must’ve caused the change in you. You are nothing anymore. The clouds start to clear again as I realize what must be the truth. I was just another random girl standing in your line, one you used to pass the time until you got bored. Now, my storm is over. People are liars, they are twisted and manipulative. You aren’t any different. You are like the rest. The ocean waves of month nine. For a while, I drowned beneath the waves. My thoughts swallowed me whole, seeing your name destroyed me. You became a fear that I couldn’t shake from my head because I never wanted to see you again. But, as you kept posting pictures of her, the girl you talked to while we were together, I moved on. You’ve become nothing more than a blur of a distant memory; a short period of time I spent with the wrong person, a mistake. You brought me seven months of loneliness, depression and confusion. Without you I am happy, I am free. I finally found myself again. It was difficult to get over how unfairly you acted, to recognize there was nothing wrong with me, to move forward and let go of the past. You changed me for a long time, but only in the most negative ways. Now that you’re gone, I can breathe. The sunrise of month ten. As the sun rises, drenching the world in a warm, welcoming glow, the dawn of a new day begins. This is one of the first days I realize I’m no longer battling the war that was you. Each day goes by and I find that I’m not counting how long we’ve been apart. Every month begins and the date that could’ve marked another month together doesn’t faze me. You are no longer stuck in my head and I’ve stopped blaming myself for all that went wrong. Without the constant worrying and second guessing, I can finally feel something other than the numbing darkness that once consumed me. I am finally myself again.
Conversations with her soul. 7/30/18 “I’ve lost myself, yet again.” She glances at the sky, pinpointing all the constellations she grew to love. The one thing she loved most about the night sky was the dependable nature of it; how the constellations would always shine bright, twinkling in the far distance with pride, never to disappear or disappoint because each night they always came back. Similarly, they were just as reliable as the moon that promised a new beginning as well as a peaceful end. Tonight, everything above her felt brighter and clearer. “How do I keep getting so lost?” she whispers to herself, her voice wavering. Tearing her eyes away from the sky, she stares into the blank view of the darkness around her. Lost. This was a feeling that usually impeded her mind, a pesky concept that seemed to follow her everywhere she went, waiting to attach itself back into her mind once she got rid of it. Lost to her meant sadness, pure, raging, hollow sadness that began in her stomach and spread to her lungs. Oh, it was so hard to breathe when she felt alone. This feeling is only temporary, I promise. But it couldn’t be. There were too many times in her life where she found herself wandering off trail and getting stuck in a vast, blank meadow. Each time she made it back to the winding path, she managed to fall off again. She was tired of having to start over and over again in a never ending loop. Rock bottom had never felt so lonely before. That loop will break. Trust yourself and use the stars. They will help you. She thinks back to the endless catastrophes in her life that she overcame; family troubles, internal troubles, people troubles. The ache that comes with toxic relationships, the pain of crumbling into nothingness and rebuilding herself back up only to feel like she’s crumbling again. So many people had directed harsh words at her that she would carry with her the rest of her life. The strain it put on her mind to carry that weight hurt. Those were temporary obstacles, you overcame each one, you are strong. In no way should you ever feel weak. But she did feel weak and she couldn’t remember the last time she felt strong. She craved to have more strength within herself, to walk around with confidence and to live life without the unnecessary worries she created. You can, and you will. But how? How is it possible to transform into a better version of yourself when you’ve failed to reach that point so many times before? She begins to feel a tightness in her lungs, a new weight that’s begun to clamp itself to her chest. Impossible, it’s utterly impossible. You are the only one stopping yourself, break through that wall. She looks back to the sky, watching a lonely cloud sweep over the moon, hiding it from her view. It blocks out the light, dimming the beauty of the soft glow the moon cast around her. She felt like that cloud, a burden. Stop it. She felt as though she were the cloud that dimmed other people. Her doom and gloom nature could not be hidden through her weak attempts to pretend to be cheery and perfectly held together. Maybe, she was a walking shadow that sucked the warmth out of anything she touched. Am I that shadow, or do I just feel that way? she thinks to herself. She gets so lost in that idea, allowing herself to believe in the lies she created. Stop! A dark abyss welcomes her coldly, a place she often slipped into in moments like these where she was alone and deep in thought. Anything and everything presented itself in the great abyss; her appearance, her talents, her friendships, her life. And the abyss does what it’s always done best, it wrecks everything. A tear slips down her cheek, and although she tries to hold them back, more drops come until there’s a flood of tears pooling around her. Lost. Lost and irritated. Lost and fed up. Lost and lost and lost again. Her body aches with each sob, pain building up from her toes to her spine to her stomach to her lungs and neck and head. She heaves, doubled over in mental pain. And while it hurt, to soak everything in at once, it was the best cure to getting it all out. All she wanted was to be good enough for those around her. She wanted to succeed. She wanted to live her life to the fullest, filling it with laughter and happiness, and maybe one day it would come. But for now, that chapter seemed to have been temporarily ripped from her book. Or, maybe it wasn’t temporary. Stop, stop, stop! No more! Remember what you’ve always believed in, what you’ve always experienced; the sun will set but it always rises again. Sometimes, even the sun needs to rest. And, just as the constellations and the moon always come back, people come back too. It is possible. Your friends and family love and adore you, despite the flaws you think you have. Those flaws don’t define you or your life. Those imperfections you pick at for hours and days on end are not visible to the outside world, they are only internal. Believe in happiness, it comes and goes, that’s human nature. You can and you will find a way to beat that war of self hatred in your head. Beat it and win. You can. Time will heal the pain you feel. You need patience and determination, and with some self love you will find your way again. Being lost isn’t a bad thing, it’s a chance to better yourself, shape yourself into the best version of you. Allow that to happen, don’t hold back. She swipes at a straying tear and sucks in the fresh night air that smelled of distant wild flowers. The moon was back, glowing over her like a warm and welcoming light. It makes her smile, knowing that it was back and that she wasn’t all too lost. With her soul's conversation in mind, she pushes forward, searching for that path she thought she had lost.